Hello there, Ladies and Gents! I know you guys were expecting the usual beginning monologue from the author where she tells you how hazardous fanfic writing is to your mental health. You won't be getting it this week. Sorry, but the author's in no fit state to go anywhere near a keyboard right now.

"But I'm fine! I feel great! Got lotsa ideas! Lotsa, lotsa, lots of....oh look! Isn't that pretty!"

Yes, very nice. Now step away from the keyboard!

"But it's miiine! I want to write...type...thingy...Did I tell you I have lotsa great ideas?"

Yes you did. They're lovely I'm sure. Look! Isn't this pretty and shiny? Look at the nice shiny thing! (For Rassilon's sake Sam, hide the dratted laptop! Fast! I think she's in a slash mood!)

"Ooh! I just had a great idea! I should write a fic where Rose and the Doctor get married! But then Martha runs off with the Doctor! No! Better idea, I'll do it the other way round! And then Captain Jack marries the Doctor instead! Woohoo!"

Oh hell, that's it! Sam, I'm smashing that laptop for our own safety! (But mostly for mine. I'm not marrying anyone!)

Not a good idea Doc. When she gets back to normal she'll kill you. You know how long she saved up to buy that thing.

"It was AGES before I could afford it! Gimmee! Just had a brilliant idea, no, forgot it. Oh yes! Remember it now! Rose or maybe Jack gets pregnant and there's lots of timebabies too! Doctor not alone no more! Yay!

What! No way! Absolutely not! Nuh uh! Never!

I thought you hated being the the Last Time Lord? Though you sure get a lot of mileage out of announcing it dramatically. (Every ten minutes. Must think it impresses the ladies. Twit.)

Oh sure, being alone stinks most of the time. But Timelord babies? No way. I'm not going through the nine months of morning sickness, hormonal mood-swings, and bizarre cravings. Not to mention once the lazy little stinkers are born I'll have to spend approximately 30 years taking care of them. Late night feeds, nappy changing, colic, baby-vomit, teething...oh dear Rassilon TEETHING! No. No way. I am the Doctor. The Oncoming Storm. Ka-Faraq-Gatri. The Destroyer of Worlds! I'm not spending 3 years wiping poo off of someone else's bottom. Just no.

Better tell her that. Sounds like she's thought up some more 'great ideas'.

"And then the Doctor falls in love with Sam instead! Captain Jack runs off with Gwen's husband, so Rose gets left alone with the timebabies! Oh! And then she dates Martha! And Sam steals the TARDIS and has Tosh and the ninth Doctor as her companions!"

RandomChees! Give me that laptop right now! The Doctor is not going to fall in love with me! Don't you dare! He's 900 years old! And I'm barely 17! That's just wrong! Plus I do not find him attractive.

I'm hurt.

Yeah well, suck it up and help me get her away from the keyboard. Do you want to have to deal with a mountain of nappies and your ninth self smirking at you? Do you?

Good point. I can't stand Mister-I'm-So-Lonely-And-Tough, Mister-look-at-me-in-my-cool-leather-jacket. Jerkass.

This is because he insulted your use of hair gel, isn't it?

At least I have hair! Lousy time-vortex-absorbing-showoff! "I think you need a Doctor!" What kind of corny line is that?

I thought it was kind of cool. Now shut up and grab that laptop!

"Ooh! And then Rose and the Timebabies get stuck in the alternate universe with human doctor! But alternate universe Master kills him! They're saved by alt-Martha! And she and Donna fall in love! And they both love Rose! They all have each other's babies! Oh! Shiny thing is back!"

Tell me she did not just say that. Please?

I can't because she did. As soon as we stop her typing, we get some retcon off of Jack, yeah?

Why does everyone kill off human me anyway? I liked him.

You called him a genocidal maniac.

Yeah so? Rose destroyed all the Daleks too in 'Parting of the ways' She's a genocidal maniac too.

Shut up, shut up, shut up! You'll get us killed by Rose-fans you idiot! (And anyway she's prettier than human you. That's why she gets away with it.)

"Ooh! And then regular Master comes back! And he turns good because he's in love with the Sam too! And Martha and Rose get turned into TimeLadies! And they run off with the Fifth Doctor and Peri!"

Oh no. Not Mr. Celery stick! Sam, if we don't make it out alive, I want you to know...THAT THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!... Erk!

Several hours later.....

"Uhhhhh.....oww... I feel like a truck hit me...what happened? And what, what is this rubbish on my laptop?! SAM? DOCTOR? What did you guys do now?!"

I had nothing to do with this thank you very much!

I said I was sorry! Let it go already!

"Guys, what happened? Last thing I remember, Sam was making me some tea."

Uh, yeah you kinda went high. Y'see, well...uh, what happened is, um...well, Iaccidentlygaveyouextrastrengthcoffee....pleasedon'tkillme!

"You let me drink coffee?! Are you nuts? You know what that stuff does to me!"

I'd like to re-state that I had nothing to do with the mix-up. The fault is entirely Sam's!

Oh shut up.