Entry 9:

Right, so I've had a little chat with the TARDIS. It went something like this: I pointed out that the TARDIS had agreed to make sure the Doctor AKA Skinny-Pain-In-The-Mik'ta would not find my journal. TARDIS then pointed out that Sam-Doctor-friend agreed to put paper-memory-holder back on shelf and not stuff down side of chair like lost TV remote. I conceded the point and apologised. TARDIS indicated that this not good enough, TARDIS wasn't going to hide paper-memories from Doctor-pilot anymore. So I did the sensible thing and grovelled. TARDIS agreed to give Sam-Doctor-Friend one more chance. But only if Sam-human distracted Doctor-pilot's mind off of Rose-Bad-Wolf. TARDIS could feel Doctor-pilot starting to mope already. Moping Doctor-pilot meant bad repairs. And mallet use. TARDIS does NOT like mallet.

In order to get my privacy back I agreed to distract the Doctor. I also promised to fill a bucket with marshmallows and leave it on the third-left cupboard in the kitchen. I don't know exactly what happens, but if you do that and then come back 15 minutes later, the bucket'll be empty and the TARDIS's background hum will be a lot softer and somehow ... fluffy. (I'm not exactly sure how to tell the Doctor that his sentient timeship has a marshmallow addiction. If I'm lucky I'll never have to.) Hopefully it did the trick and there'll be no more Doctor-comments in here.

Anyway, as you may remember, we were once again in the Assimilation Chamber. For about the third time Galik chief-guy was doing his speechifying about how puny humans would soon be slaves, the earth would be conquered, and he could finally use his Tesco coupons in public. (Don't ask about the last bit. You wouldn't believe me. You just wouldn't.) As the damage from the Doctor's earlier bit of technological messing had stopped, and the Doctor had been searched and found not to have anything that could interfere with the ship's mainframe, Galik #1 declared that they would finally assimilate the Doctor properly and nothing would stop the GLORIOUS CONQUEST OF THE EARTH! HAHAHAHA!!! Blah blah blah, yackety smackety.

So the Guards once again shove the Doctor into an assimilation-pod-thingy. And once again there was a shloop sound, pseudo-glass covered him and the Doctor went still. Bummer. Anti-Doctor's face started to solidify again, which was annoying because he had a really smug look on his face. I seriously wanted to hit him. He could tell by looking at me too, because he oozed over and started to gloat at the 'puny human' about the fact that 'Your precious Doctor is under MY control! Mwahahahaha!' (Excuse me, but ew. The Doctor isn't my precious anything! He's not my damn boyfriend for Pete’s sake! Oh, ew, ew, ew. Bad thought, bad thought, bad thought! Oh gross! Industrial strength mind-bleach needed! ASAP!)

I'm insulted! I'll have you know that many people consider me wildly attractive! -D

Aaargh! Doctor! Stay out! (And I'll bet those people weren't aware that you're 900 years old! You dirty old man! Aargh! I need to go scrub my brain. With gravel!) Note to self: Bigger bucket of marshmallows is clearly needed.

Entry 10: cont'd

Moving on, moving on, (with all possible speed!) here comes my moment of revenge and triumph, so pay attention. Mudman Chief was still gloating at me when he said "Now comes our moment of triumph! We shall conquer this miserable world, and with its resources we will found an Empire! We shall return home to the cheers of our people! All of the Galikafob system shall revere us as heroes! What do you say to that, miserable human?" (Aaand, here comes the bit with the Doctor's plan actually working and me being totally cool. Yay me!)

"I say it's too bad your people gave up conquering the universe in favour of making piles of money off of the intergalactic postcard market about, oh, seventy years ago."

"WHAT?!!"

" Yup. You can ask the Doctor if you don't believe me. Postcards. Best this side of the horsehead nebula apparently. You should consider posing for one. I bet a lot of the girls back home'd love it. Much more than a conquered planet anyway. According to the Doc' your people declared that universal domination was so passé about a year after they conquered the postcard market."

By the time I finished saying this Anti-Doctor had turned purple with anger. And I don't mean that in the metaphorical sense. His skin was bright purple. (Note to self: Purple skin is not a good look for the Doctor. Keep him away from body paint.)

"Lies! Do not insult my intelligence human!"

"Buddy, you already insulted your own intelligence when you searched the Time Lord but not the Human because you assumed I posed no threat. I can always pose a threat!" And while I was saying this piece of impressive dialogue I pulled out the sonic screwdriver, the Recall-Ball-turned-Stasis-Signal-Device and started pressing on the screwdriver's 'on' switch like mad. Anti-Doctor made a lunge for me but it was too late.

The ship had already gone into stasis, and just like the Doctor had said they would be, the Galiks were frozen too. (According to He-Who-Whose-Gelled-Hair-Is-A-Fire-Hazard this happens because they have some kind of mud-based computer chip installed in their bodies, so that if the ship is so badly damaged it needs to shut down, they do too to prevent themselves being injured by the damages to the ship.)

So there I am standing in a ship full of mudmen turned statues when it occurs to me that life-support systems designed to keep oxygen-breathing prisoners alive, are also shutting down. And I'm thirty feet underground in a spaceship made out of mud. Cue mad dash to the assimilation pod to pull the Doctor out followed by mad dash back to the TARDIS. Followed by sigh of relief and a sit down on the captain's chair in the control room. But only for about two seconds because He-Who-Was-Not-Half-As-Mud-Covered-As-Me-The-Lucky-Sod told me to get off before I destroyed the furniture. Jerk.

So, outside the TARDIS doors there is an alien spaceship full of angry frozen mudmen. Who will soon unfreeze and become even more angry. And Trouble-In-Trousers is busy muttering about the state of his sonic screwdriver. ("Honestly Samantha, you're only to press gently on the switch, not squash it to death. And there's mud in the circuitry again! I'd only just cleaned that out! Yada, yada, yada.") So I prodded him and reminded him of the freshly frozen Galiks outside. He made an 'Oh yeah, them' sort of face and said not to worry, he'd sent a signal to their postcard-making fellows who should be turning up pretty soon. That was when I heard the 'shunk' sound that heralds the presence of a teleporter and the Doctor pointed to the monitor on the TARDIS's control panel. The Galiks outside were disappearing in little shafts of life. "Lovely! Isn't it Sam? Their new friends will take them home and they can start a new life as the premier makers of inappropriate postcards! I love it when things work out peacefully."

It was at this point that I spotted a problem with all this. The Galik spaceship was still thirty feet underground. There were no tunnels to the surface. The TARDIS had no mercury. And there was no oxygen left in the ship surrounding us, so we couldn't dig our way to the surface even if we had shovels, which we didn't. We were stuck. I said all this to the Doctor. All I got in response was "Ahh. That is a problem." Really Doctor? Ya think?

The upshot was that he upgraded my phone, and made a quick call to Torchwood 3 in Cardiff. We spent two days in the TARDIS before they dug us out, during which I discovered why the TARDIS is so large. It's so that there's enough space to get away from the Doctor for a while, so that you don't go crazy and kill him out of sheer frustration. Anyway, once they dug us out I got to meet Torchwood 3. It consisted of Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper and Captain Jack "And who are you? Stop It!" Harkness. He handed the Doctor a vial of mercury with a wink so suggestive that it would get anyone else arrested for public indecency, and said that if we ever needed more he'd be very glad to see us around Cardiff. The Doctor glared at him, said "Thanks Jack, lovely to see you, we've got to be going, Bye now!" and pushed me inside the TARDIS before sticking his head out the door and saying something to Jack along the lines of "Stop trying to poach my companions. No, Sam would not be interested in a job in Cardiff!" And then he shut the door, rushed up to the console, grinned, and said, "Right! Where to now? Past or future? Your choice!"

"Actually I was hoping to go to the chipper."